I AM NO LONGER SMALL

The writing of “I AM NO LONGER SMALL”

I had finally retired from both of my careers; one as an army reservist, and the other as a USDA Federal Agent.  My days became filled with emptiness as a lifetime of work obligations fell away.  I reevaluated the “must-do’s” of my future days yet to come.  I realized that my primary, if not my only obligations were those imposed on me by my wife.

I was very much expected to “stay out of her way”, run any number of errands to facilitate her day, and to prepare her evening meal.  A meal I rarely ate with her due to the late nature of her return home.  My being almost ten years older than her, she would not retire for ten or more years; ten or more years of my servitude.

I evaluated what the next ten years might be like, and the likelihood that upon her retirement she might pay greater attention to me.  I knew that nothing would really change, I knew that she would just find personal activities that I would then have to facilitate and stay out of the way of.

I contemplated suicide as an option to escape her jail.  I also revisited my earlier dreams; dreams and goals of a young man I lost touch with so long ago.  At age 67 I reclaimed the dream to be a “GIRL”.  I informed my wife of this decision; and I had to explain to her that I was no longer asking permission: I was informing her.  It took several years, but I am now a Transgender-Woman, and I am no longer small.   

I AM NO LONGER SMALL

I waited years for my partner

Years for my partner to see my life too

I cooked diner almost every night

She would come home late

Ate, and to bed, too tired to spend time with me

Early in the morning get out of the way

Don’t make me late for work again

I finally saw my life from my partner’s eyes

I was a tool to support my partner’s ways & whys

I was a convenience, that too often was inconvenient

I need to be me I said

I no longer can be what little you want of me

I love you I said

It’s just that you don’t love the me I need to be

You only love the paste of me that you mold to your will

Divorced now; initially standing small, as I have been too long

It took more than two years for me to learn how to stand up straight

I now know why it took so long; I had to re-learn who I am

I felt the grip of her ownership of me go slack

I owe me now…there is no looking back

I stand tall, and the view

Oh! The view