The writing of “I STAND ALONE”
THE WRITING OF “I STAND ALONE”
There I was on my earlier (his) birthday, standing and looking out through a glass door into the darkness of the winter solstice. I didn’t want to, nor did I plan to celebrate his birthday ever again, yet there I was standing alone staring into the empty darkness of my earlier life. I finally was a girl in a manner that allowed me to feel a physical completeness that was lacking my whole life, and even since I started my transition to a female.
I am an eternal optimist, and my view of the future held the possibilities of a life as a woman, and maybe even with a man as a partner. I know that I have so much to offer anyone that bothers to get to know me, but few bother. Being a transgender-woman defines me in other’s eyes more then my passion, skills, ability to love, my generosity, and even my fairly decent female looks. I have meet men that indicate that while I am nice, they will die alone before dating me. I know that this is not transphobia in all cases. These men are shouldering cultural expectations, and the disappointment of their own social circle.
I am an eternal optimist. The poem is hope, a dream, a goal, and it is how I survive. I believe in me, as a person, and as a woman. If I ever have a boyfriend, I will ask him to blow out my birthday candles.
I STAND ALONE
I stand alone
Looking out into the epidemy of darkness
Looking deeply into the darkness
And up into the twinkling sky
I stand alone
I should be celebrating, but I am not
It’s December the twenty-first
The Winter-Solstice
What to do about him
His days grew shorter until that day
His birthday since 1952
He is no longer here
I stand alone
I am no longer him
I no longer celebrate his special day
I no longer feel any loyalty at all
For so long I honored him
For hiding me so well
For getting me here safely, on this day
So, I can finally say farewell
I owe him much, and yet owe him nothing at all
He would want it that way
He had honor, and when he gave a gift
The gift was truly given, no strings attached
I stand alone
On his special day
And say goodbye one last time
Only the gift remains…the gift of me
I lay on a gurney
Hooked up to tubes and needles
Alone I lay, waiting
I am soon to sleep
Awake and aware that I am stepping away from him
The doctor steps close
Are you ready? Yes…I have never not been
Okay, let’s give you a beautiful girl
I wake up
As soon as I could muster words
Give me a mirror please
I need to see her, I need to see her now
There she was
He was gone
I cried
I cried the cry of a lifetime lost
I speak of this moment
And I still cry today
I finally met the me I knew was always there
The Tenth of May 2022
My birthday
I knew that I was born that day
The past of him faded away
Girlfriends that became a girl as I did
They understand
Each of us knows our birthday
No longer to celebrate his again
I stand alone
Looking into the epidemy of dark
I was born only seven months ago
I celebrate not celebrating him
I don’t consider him dead
Nor is his name my dead name
He is just not here anymore
His job was done, he went away
Oh!!, my girlfriends ask
How are you going to celebrate your birthday
I don’t know, I really don’t
It’s so exciting to think; soon I will be ONE!!
They push me for plans; but I still don’t know
Tongue in cheek I tell them
I am going to put one candle in her, light it
And find someone to blow it out
It is so fun to think about the girl I am, and going to become
My first birthday came and went
In eleven months, I will be TWO
What will a two-year-old girl at age 70 do
Why…progressively put more candles in her
Light them
And pray
A man blows them out