THE WRITING OF “THERE IS A GIRL INSIDE”
THE WRITING OF “THERE IS A GIRL INSIDE”
I wrote this poem this year (2025). I continue to celebrate the beauty of the girl I hid inside for fifty+ years. In my youth, before the reality of my future aging would take it’s toll; I would be comfortably alone in a safe place, and I would dance as a girl, I would look in a mirror and refuse to see “him”, but saw a girl for a minute or two.
I have read almost everything Jennifer Finny Boylan has written, and almost everything her “he” wrote as James. I enjoyed Jennifer’s writings are so much more. In several of her novels she spoke of young James going into his homes attic and wearing a dress and just dancing. I hearkened back to my early years and realized that I have been doing that for most of my life. I called these moments my “Happy Girl Dance”, and I cherished them.
I don’t do my “Happy Girl Dance” so much anymore because I am out and have transitioned into the girl that I now am at age 73. The “Happy Girl” was and still is the girl that was forced to live only in my mind, except for those rare moments in a safe-private place. My “Happy Girl” was young because I created her when I was young. I loved her, and I loved how she made me feel free, even if just for a few minutes. I am now 73, while my “Happy Girl” is somewhere between 16 and 25 years old. I keep her in my mind because she never gave up the dream of being a young and beautiful girl or woman. Even though I am now a transitioned woman, I will never be who she was and still is. So, she stays in my mind, and continues to being me much joy.
THERE IS A GIRL INSIDE
There is a girl inside
A girl you cannot see
There is a girl inside
I can’t see her either
I often try to look
She is in there
There is a girl inside
I feel her
Energy spinning
Dances I can’t do
Postures of girl lost to me
There is a girl inside
She has been there all these years
At one time her and me
Very close
That was fifty years ago
There is a girl inside
The girl inside doesn’t care
The years past
Matter not
I aged; the girl did not
There is a girl inside
That doesn’t care
There is a girl inside
Finally, out
Let her grow old
That girl
So many years
From 10 or 12 to 72
Can I pack in that much life
There is a girl inside
Out here now
How to be
How to be a girl now
After so much time
Really
Just step away
All the dreams of yesterday
Don’t reach back
Live a piece of a fantasy
A little bit of what shouldn’t be
Do it anyway
There is a girl inside
Yes
I can be “Just a girl”
Just a girl today
A girl that still loves her mind
Loves her dreams
Loves what will never be
There is a girl inside
There is a girl inside
I feel her
Energy spinning
Dances I can’t do
Postures of girl lost to me
There is a girl inside
I am sure
Jennifer has
A girl inside
Dancing
Dancing in the attic
Away from anyone to say
You are not a girl
It didn’t matter then
The freedom of being allowed to not know
Jennifer knows now, as do I
Those quiet silent moments
Those private…oh so private moments
Were closer…closer to girl
Then… at least my now
There is a girl inside
Maybe…That girl was in her prime
There is still a girl inside
And
I am seventy-two
I don’t care
I love her, as I love me
I still dance as a little girl
Only in my mind
Now
I do old
I am glad I lived long enough
To come out
Hi
I am Lukcia
I am an old lady
Living a fantasy